Saner Living Tip:   How to communicate a planned relationship break
 

This type of communication is best done in person, by phone or by snail mail. I prefer snail mail because it gives the receiver of the letter time to absorb what you wrote and to formulate a thoughtful reply.  

Ways to communicate:

1.    Text = never
2.    Email = sometimes, but be aware you may get an impulsive, reactive, 
un-thought out response. Email has immediacy to it.
3.    Phone = this is fine as long as you are able to handle your own defensiveness if the person you are talking with is defensive, rude, or in denial.
4.    Snail mail = preferred method. Hand written letters slow both the writer and the responder down. They allow for rewriting and rereading and as a result a more thoughtful exchange. 

Write many drafts of what you want to say to siphon off your reactive feelings, so that you can get to the nugget of what is most important for you to say. 

Always remember that you can't change anyone. These types of interactions are for the initiator rather than the receiver. You do it for yourself. 

Example letters:

1)      To a Mom who has a high need to hold onto old family traditions. 

Dear Mom, 

I want to let you know how meaningful my childhood memories are of our family Christmas. It's clear that you worked very hard to create memorable holidays.    As an adult, I realize how lucky I am to have had these family experiences. 

Of late, the holidays have been feeling very hectic. With both Jim and I working long hours and our three kids in many activities, the holidays seem to add so much stress, that they are becoming less enjoyable. 

This creates a great sadness for me, precisely because of the memories I hold of my childhood holidays. I have realized two things, which I very much want to give my kids holiday memories like I had, and that I can best do this if I am feeling less stressed. 

So, this year Jim and I will be staying home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We very much want to celebrate Christmas with you and want to invite you over to our house the Sunday before Christmas to share a nice meal an open some gifts. 

I know this is a big change and may take some getting used to. Please know that I am doing this out of self-care and a desire to hold dear the memories of my childhood holidays. 

2)      Letter to a father in a divorced family 

Dear Dad, 

The past few times we have talked have not gone well. I have been thinking about my role in those conversations and I am realizing that I have anger towards you left over from the divorce.  

I think that I need a temporary break from our relationship, so I can sort out my feelings without doing any more damage, on my end, to our relationship. 

I don't know how long of a break I will need, so I am not able to give you that information, which I am sure would be helpful to you.  

Also, it has become too stressful to be at both your house and Mom’s house on the holiday day itself. If I feel that I can be around you over the holiday, I will get in touch with you to set something up on a day other than the holiday day. 

It would mean a lot to me if you would respect my request. 

  3) Letter to a friend

Dear Shirley,

I have have been puzzled by the tension and anger that I have felt coming from you towards me.  It seems that trying to talk it through with each other makes things more confusing and upsetting.

Because I have valued our relationship, I am going to take a break from communicating with you for a while I sort out my end of things.  I need some space and time to figure things out on my end.

It is quite possible we may run into each other at parties or professional events.  I will do my very best to be courteous and greet you at those times.

I hope you will respect my need and understand I am doing this in order to save and perhaps deepen our relationship.  I will be in touch when I am ready to have more positive talks with you.

Contact Chris