Hi, Laura,

These are great questions and ones that many people find difficult to answer. The good news is that you can  find a way to live a life that feels more in your control and thus experience less daily stress. The two definitions of balance from Merriam-Webster.com that I think relates to this subject best are: (1) a counterbalancing weight, force, or influence, and (2) mental and emotional steadiness. There is a finite amount of time in which we can accomplish our daily tasks and we often find ourselves running around like chickens with our heads cut off, with little time for ourselves, let alone time for connecting with others in any meaningful way. This bloody image has death written all over it, a chicken running around desperately trying to stay alive, all the while knowing that its time is limited. Isn’t that how many of us can get when we allow ourselves to be co-opted by ‘shoulds’, ‘have to’s’, guilt, the needs of others? We run around and around, desperately trying to get things done, while our own life energy is running dangerously low. We are living a life of, AS SOON AS I………………THEN I WILL DO WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR ME. It is insane living to postpone our own life, as we said in the sixties, “Life Is Not A Dress Rehearsal”. So, if one aspect of our life is overshadowing other aspects of life, I suggest the following as small first steps towards Saner Living: Slow yourself down with conscious intent by taking two minutes out of every hour to still quietly and breathe deeply in through the belly and out through the nose. While in this more relaxed state think about what is important to you, for example, family, friends, exercise, nature, spirituality, intellectual pursuits. Write these life sustainers down on small pieces of paper and put them where you can see them throughout your day. When you are ready, pick two of your life sustainers and do two to three small things each day connected to each life sustainer. At the end of thirty days you will have taken between sixty and ninety steps towards a more balance life. What often happens as a result of intentional slowing down and more conscious living is an increase in productivity at work and home. Give it a try and let me know how it goes. I care.

Dear L.M., 

This is a great question and tells me that you are ready to take your business to the next level. It’s easy to get caught up in day-to-day tasks when running your own business.  This is commonly referred to as, working ‘in your business’ rather than ‘on your business’.  Ideally, one wants to find the sweet spot or a good balance between the two.  One way to discover what questions to ask about your business is to consult your business plan.  Check to see if your vision and mission are still applicable and if you are aligned with and on target with your goals and objectives.  Another way to get clarity is to talk with others about your business.  This can be a personal board of directors made up of trusted friends, family members, colleagues. You might also consider talking with a business coach or consultant, the Small Business Development Centers orSCORE.  Talking with others will put words to the thoughts, concerns and worries that have been circulating in your head.  Thinking out loud, particularly in relationship with others, is a powerful tool towards clarity.  Clarity will bring new possibilities and directions for your business.  Align the new clarity with your business plan and you have a winning strategy for business growth.

Hi, Penelope, 

I can hear that your life is feeling pretty over-whelming right now and I am so glad that you are asking the question, “How do I turn my life around?”.  That is a good start and  it’s a big question.  There can be many reasons for having low energy and enthusiasm for life.  Here are some general ways to think about your situation:

·          Have you experienced any major life changes, such as a death, a move, financial distress, etc?

·          You will want to rule out a depression, by talking with your doctor or a mental health professional.  You can take a quiz on depression here.

·          Is there an underlying physical problem that could be contributing to your lack of energy?

·          Are you spending enough time doing things that bring you pleasure, such as, hanging out with friends, listening to music, working on a hobby or special interest?

You have been through many normal life transitions, such as, getting married, buying a home and having children.  It may be that as these transitions recede into the background you are poised to enter a new transition of finding out who you really are, separate from husband and kids.  This can be a confusing yet exciting time. As you develop awareness about why you may be feeling as you do, it would be good to take time for yourself on a regular basis to begin to discover your wants, needs and desires.  Talking with friends, reconnecting with nature and journaling are some tools that can be quite helpful during the process of self-discovery.  Also, talking with a professional mental health therapist or coach can be helpful.

Dear EF, 

Having a home office can be a real struggle when in comes to staying focused on work during the best of times, and when the added pressure of guests is thrown into the mix the challenge can get tricky, indeed.  Take a fearless look at the following: 

 

• How do you think about your work?   Is it legitimized in your mind?   Do you hold it as important as you hold your spouses work?  
• Why is it that you allow yourself to be pulled to short-change your work in order to entertain your guests?  

These questions are important to look at and answer, because the first step in setting any boundary is to have clarity about the who, what, how and why you do what you do.   Once this is firmly settled in the core of your being you can move onto the next step of setting appropriate boundaries with others.   This is where anxiety can be your downfall.   People often find talking directly and frankly to another person to be a daunting task.   I have found that when one has clarity about personal wants, needs, desires and have no ‘junky’ feelings attached to them, it is possible to speak one’s truth to others, to good effect.   It’s important to remember that you are only responsible for another’s feelings if you communicate hurtfully or disrespectfully.   When you come from a place of clarity and respect, and the other person has a strong emotional reaction, then that reaction is about them  and  they are entitled to their feelings.   It is not our job to make them feel better. 

 

Saner Living Tips:

Set regular working hours, put them on a sign and post the sign on your office door. This can not only help you to stay focused on work and not blur the home/work boundaries, but it is a powerful message to family, friends and guests that YOU ARE AT WORK.

Have a frank conversation with all household members about who is doing what in relation to guests, household needs, meals, etc. Plan ahead and stick to what you agreed to do and let go of how other family members get their tasks done.

Talk with your guests ahead of time about when you are available, which meals they are responsible for and which meals you are responsible for and anything else you can think of. They will be grateful to know the expectations and everyone will have a more enjoyable visit.

Dear Klaudia,
The mind can be an unruly place, indeed. It can take us to places we would rather not go to at the most inconvenient times. When we feel pressure or anxiety the mind can dance like it's choreographed to Stravinsky. Fortunately, there are ways to focus the mind on the task you want to accomplish.

• Stay focused in the present. It's easy to worry about your grade or to beat yourself up about past papers that may not have been done to your liking. The past is over and the future is a projection of the present. The only moment we have is the one we are in right now. So stay in the present - it's where life is happening. 
• Spend five or 10 minutes a day doing free expression writing as a way to funnel off some of the unwanted thoughts. A good approach to this technique is to let yourself write about whatever comes to mind, without any focus on spelling, grammar or penmanship. Write with any medium that strikes your fancy, such as pencil, pen, marker, crayon. You may be thinking, "What more writing"? Yet, this writing exercise is meant to be playful and without the pressure of 'writing a paper', you may find some great nuggets of ideas embedded within. 
• Create a writing ritual to use each time you sit down to write your paper. Make a cup of tea and light a candle in a favorite writing spot. Go to your favorite cafe and order some comfort food with a luscious beverage. The ideas are endless, do what makes sense for you. 
• Begin each writing session with a centering exercise. Place both feet squarely but gently on the floor, close your eyes, inhale from the belly and through the nose, in and out, for a minute or two. Slowly open your eyes and bring yourself to the task of writing your paper. 
• Remember that it's only a paper. That's all - only a paper. 

Dear M.S.,
Unexpected occurrences can provide for business challenges. I am glad to hear that despite a severe injury, you have the energy to work on your business. There are several ways to keep your business vibrant and to attract customers.

Small business owners often find it a difficult to work “on their business” rather than “in their business”. In other words, the day to day demands of running a business can get in the way of working on the engine that is vital for business growth and sustainability. This is a great opportunity to work on your infrastructure. Here are some things you can do: · Review and modify your business plan where needed. · If you don’t have a business plan write one now. · Make sure your goals are aligned with you vision and mission. · Review your marketing strategies and make changes where needed. · Write or review your social media plan. · Review your website for needed changes. · Update all of your social media sites. · Consider writing a blog. · Make sure your business is set up to run as smoothly as possible. · Invite trusted colleagues over for a business brainstorming session. · Add to this list as you can. In order to attract customers to work with you over the phone, it would be good to develop a short statement that tells the story of why you are implementing this temporary shift that includes various options for how meetings between you and your customer can happen. This will allow you to convey with confidence that you are open for business, with some minor changes. Your customers will follow your lead. For example: · Phone meetings · Video skype meetings · In-home meeting · Email exchanges · Google chat sessions There may be other virtual ways to connect with your customers, that I am not aware of, so put on your ‘out of the box’ thinking cap on and see what you can come up with. Also, it’s important to remember that you are in the midst of a healing process, so find the sweet spot between work and healing. When you find yourself worrying about your business, tell your brain to STOP THAT and focus on one small step you can take to move your business forward. Even though it’s not business as usual, you can move your business forward one small step at a time. It adds up and it counts!

Dear Ellen,
If what you are asking is how to give feedback to people who are not receptive; the answer is quite simple. You don’t! If someone is not asking for feedback and thus not wanting it, it is an exercise in futility to do so. With this said, I would suggest you review your motivations for giving the feedback. In my experience, there are two reasons people want to give feedback to someone else, 1) to change the other person in some way, or 2) to get something off their chest. In the first situation, a useful truth is that it is impossible to change someone else. It can’t happen. It is possible to be in a change process with someone if everyone buys into the process. Good communication etiquette suggests that it’s a good idea to ask for permission to give feedback before giving it. If the other person says no then that is the end of it. If they say yes, then give the feedback without attachment to outcome. In other words, it’s up to the other person to decide what he or she wants to do with the feedback. In the second situation, if the idea is to express a feeling or thought to lessen your own internal stress, then there are some tricks to pulling this off. First, spend some time figuring out what the nub of the issue is for you, then work through the more intense or junky feelings; next, distill down what you want to say to a palatable form; finally, deliver the message from a Heart Centered I place. A crucial point is to let go of changing the other person. You are expressing yourself for your own well-being. The paradox is when we let go of outcome we are more likely to get the results we want. Control is the illusion of power; true power lies in letting go.
Let me know how it goes. I care.